"Solitude"

In a singularity I sit
Nothing comes in or escapes
Yet no one seems to notice
Yet no one seems to care

Screaming unheard
Frantically seeking someone
Arms waving, looking and seeking
Just wanted to be a part of the world

All around people just ignore me
People look but do not see
me in my singularity

Wanting to be a part
Wanting to participate
And when I do
It is all but ignored

Do things matter?
Does anything make a difference?
Am I merely an invisible thing to be used?

Sitting in a box waiting for my chance
My pleas all dismissed as unimportant
Sometimes I must wonder if it is worth it

Am I nothing?
Am I a thing to be ignored?
Or am I a person?

A person who wants to be a part of life
A person who wants to participate
A person who tries to participate
A person sitting in a singularity from which
Nothing can escape

"Words"

This is the first time I set out to deliberately write a poem as opposed to one being inspired by a particular event.  It was an interesting experience.

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Like a thousand knives, they cut

Like a noose, they tighten around your neck
Like a rock, they break you
A picture may be worth a thousand words
But a word can damage more

Carelessly we let words flit from our lips

Hurtful phrases coming tripping from ignorance
Thoughtlessly we say what is on our mind
Heedless of the damage and pain we cause

Have you ever heard the phrase

“That’s so gay!” or “That’s so girly!”
As if being gay or girly is something to be ashamed of

We hide behind anonymity to spew bile

We hurl invective and claim freedom of speech
We insult those we disagree with in the name of religion
And then act shocked when people get mad

We judge people and label them pejoratively

We look at them and put them in little boxes
Then if they don’t fit in with what we want,
We damn them to the outer levels of perdition

Yet words can help, so give a kind word to those who need it

Thus and so is the power of words
To hurt or heal, to harm or help
Which one they do is up to you.
Will you help or harm?  Will you heal or hurt?

Don’t tell me, show me.  For while words are powerful,

They can be used to lie too.  The choice is yours.

"Freedom"

This was written the one time I tried pot.  It was a very interesting feeling that I tried to capture in this poem.

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So here's how it begins

a question, something to wonder about
so you are around friends
who allow you to explore

At first it seems like nothing

nothing is happening
and then come numbness
and a sense that you have no control

Fear sets in and you wonder if

what is happening is supposed to happen
you flip and you turn and you wonder
if this is the way it is

And then you just sit there

no longer in control
but your mind wanders and
wonders about various things

Then you are freed and able

to have the control you want
but wait, here comes the next wave

Without thinking, you talk

without thinking, you speak
without thinking, you go on and on

Flying free

flying high
no limits
no boundaries
nothing holding you down

Then here it comes again

freedom comes for you
and holds you in its grip

Up you go, like a kite in the breeze

up you go, wondering if you'll come down
up you go, never wanting to come back down again

Freedom is a wondrous thing

for one who craves control
Freedom is a mysterious thing
for one who fears change

And so you want more

while you wonder if you should
And so you want to experience
the freedom that you were given
by a friend.

"Regrets"

I had a friend visit who I have had a crush on for years.  I had an opportunity to make a move but didn’t.  This poem “Regrets” is about that experience.

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Like a wave, they wash over me
Like a gale, they blow me around
They pass through me and under me
Over me and around me
They surround me and penetrate me

Regrets of things never done
Moments never seized
Missed opportunities gone forever

Why must I freeze in place
When I want to stroke your face
Why must my mind not let my heart
do what it wants from the start
Why can’t I just do what I want
Instead I am caught looking and wanting

Regrets of things never done
Moments never seized
Missed opportunities gone forever

Courted or courting
Chaser or chasee
I am not sure which one I am going to be
For I feel paralyzed
Not by a toxin, but by fear
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the lack of control
Fear of ruining that which is great

Should I regret those things I haven't done?
Should I regret those moments never seized?
Should I regret those missed opportunities that are gone forever?

I do, and I hope to know how to never miss them again

"Looking Towards Tomorrow While Living for Today"

I just sort of felt inspired to write this selection entitled "Looking Towards Tomorrow While Living for Today" in August of 2008. I sort of had a tune in mind while this was being written, so I think it's supposed to be a song, but it sort of works as a poem too.

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All my life I’ve heard stories about living
From people who think so differently
Now I’m experiencing that living
And I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be

I look towards the future
And wonder what I’ll see
And I look at the past
To see what is behind me

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Doesn’t make as much sense to me
As it was supposed to anyway
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
It really makes me wonder
What’ll happen to me every day

So I listen to those stories about living
And wonder how I’ll feel
When it’s my chance to be living
These stories out for real

As I look towards the future
I wonder what I’ll see
And when I look into the past
I shrink in horror from what I’ll see

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Doesn’t make as much sense to me
As it was supposed to anyway
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
It really makes me wonder
What’ll happen to me every day

What fills me with hope for the future
Is the wonderment I feel
When I look at all around me
And see that it’s all for real

As I look towards the future
I marvel at what I see
And then I look into the past
To see where I’ve been

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Is making more sense to me
Each and every day
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Makes me feel awe and wonder
At what’s around me anyway

So I gather my thoughts around me
And look at them carefully
Then put on my shoes and start walking
To where I’m supposed to be

Then I look into the future
And not into the past
To keep myself walking
On the straight and narrow path

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Is making more sense to me
Each and every day
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Makes me feel awe and wonder
At what’s around me anyway

"Masks"

This poem was written in 2004 because I felt that people were expecting me to be one thing and I really felt like another person.

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Here I sit
wanting, alone
All around me the
world spins
All around me the
people are laughing

On the outside
I am laughing
On the inside
I am crying

Who wants to be alone?
Who wants to have no one?

I am wearing a mask
The mask that hides
my true self.
From whom am I hiding?
I know not.

Myself or maybe you
I must hide or
face the interminable
interrogations of those around me

My life is like a
shadow dance
sound and fury
signifying nothing

Or is it?
What is my purpose?
Do I have a purpose?
Why am I here?

These questions and
more I ask myself.
I know nothing
and everything.

What is life for?
Must I hide
behind these
masks my whole life?

Here I sit
wanting, alone
All around me the
world spins
All around me the
people are laughing

4 Poems on Friendship (all untitled)

These poems were all written in my junior year of college or later when I had problems with friends. I went through several rough years after college for a lot of reasons, and these were my way of dealing.

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What is a friend?
Is it someone who cares?
Is it someone who understands?
Is it someone who holds you dear?

What is a friend?
A friend is someone who cares
someone who understands in all
never judging, always accepting
not agreeing, but accepting

What is a friend?
A friend is someone who holds you dear
someone who understands and accepts
you for who you are
not the perfect you

What is a friend?
A friend is the person who is willing
to listen, speak, and be there
The person who is willing to always
accept you in all

What is a friend?
Acceptance
Caring
Holding you dear
Is this really too much to ask?

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Pain, anger,
hurt, all
like a dagger
in my side

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

Drowning in a sea
of anger, sloughing
off the old, bringing
in the new

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

Lies and hurt
from friends
long since gone
What to do?

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

What to do?
What to say?

And I fall, fall
into the sea of anger

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(Note: This one was partially inspired by Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morrisette)

Twisting, swirling,
running, leaping,
sitting, standing.

What's going on?
What's wrong?
Who knows?
Who can say?

I am sitting, yet I am standing
I am running, yet I stay in place
I am confused, yet I am clear headed

I am here, but I am not
I am all around, but I am nowhere
I am drowning, yet I am dry

I need help, yet I am fine
I need you, but I need no one
I need me, but I can't help myself.

What to do...what to say
I do not know...

-------------------

Here I am, confused, hurt
here I am, alone, so alone
I need help, but to who can I turn

I am here, loving, loved,
I am here, with you,
I have help, to you do I turn

I am here, I am not,
I am confused, I am not
I am hurt, I am well

Why, oh why are I feeling this way?
Why is life so confusing,
why is life so cruel,
why is life so full of sense,
why is life so kind

In a world of contradictions,
I know I can turn to you,
my friend, my Saviour,
I know I can, and everything makes sense.

"Desire"

This poem was written in response to a massive crush I had when I went back to college to work on my certification. It is somewhat on the erotic side. Nothing major, but just there.

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Your blue eyes
Your perfect body
Your soft, sweet voice

I look at you and desire
I see you and feel a thrill
I want you to want me

I want to feel your arms around me
I want to feel your lips on mine
I want to be wrapped in your warm embrace

To spend the night with you is my desire
To be embraced by you is my fantasy
To feel wanted by you is my need

But can it be?
Do you want me?
Do you want to feel
my arms around you
or my lips on yours
or my warm embrace

Wanting, needing
desiring is what
I ask for

Others want you
Others see your beauty
Others see your perfection

So here I sit
wanting, needing
desiring, unfulfilled

So it must be
So it shall be
And thus it is

"Pain" and "Falling Out"

At the end of my sophomore year in college, I had a falling out with a group of friends because of some things that happened. The first poem here is written about a friend who I saw being hurt. The second was written in response to the falling out.

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Torn, hurt, gasping for life
It hurts so to see you so
Oh my friend, words cannot express
the hurt, like a knife, as if I am
you and you are me

I hate to see you hurt,
I hate to see you wounded,
But my friend, let me help
if I can

But no, it is not my help you need,
it is the help of one greater than me
My friend, turn to Him in time of need,
Turn to Him for sweet melody

Now I see you helped and able,
Or was it my imagination, a fable
Words cannot express my joy at seeing you whole,
No, but try I must

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Here I stand
alone, stripped,
naked, mocked,
reviled, why?

Here I stand
left alone,
defenseless
against the
attacks of
others

Here I stand
friendships
ruined and no
more, why?

Here I stand
at the crossroads
right or left
up or down
I look around
and see no one

What to do,
What to say,
Things need
to be said,
but how,
but why

Oh my friends
I never meant
to cause pain
never meant
to cause anger
but I have but
it was meant
for good turned
bad and evil
help, help, help

"Ode to Becky"

This is the only poem where I will mention a particular person. At the end of my freshman year, I was taking an intersession course (class after the school year was over). I bumped into her on graduation day. The words were not hers, they were my interpretation based on what she said.

On a somewhat amusing note, the one year I taught literature, I had my students read this poem. The sixth grade interpreted this as an analogy for death. I get it, but was amused that they took one straightforward poem and complicated it.

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They leave as quickly as they came
this is their big day, their day
many are happy, but one is sad...

Why o why are you looking
so sad and downcast?
Why o why are you looking
like someone has died?

I am leaving, I have to go
I don't want to go, I want to stay
But, I must abandon you, I must run away
And for this I am sad

Oh oh, you will never abandon us,
you will always be here with us
and we with you, you will never leave

Always and forever more will you
be with us in heart and mind
for as long as we live we shall never part

They leave as quickly as they came,
this is their big day, their day
all leave happy...

"Alone"

In my freshman year of college, I met a girl (yeah, I know) and we dated. My first (and so far only) girlfriend broke up with me suddenly with no real reason given to me. This poem was written shortly after that.

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Here I am, all alone
scared and frightened
ever so alone

She has left, she has gone
and my heart cries out with pain and sorrow
time heals all they say,
but time will never take her completely away

Can anyone help?
Is anyone there?
I need someone to help and understand

As I sit all alone
scared and frightened
ever so alone

I hear a voice cry out...
"Come my son, come and never be alone again
I will help. I can drive the pain and loneliness away"

I look up and see a radiance and
love that shines like the sun...
Can it be that there is someone who understands...
someone who will help and comfort me...

No, it cannot be...no one understands...
"My beloved son, I do understand and can
comfort you."

Then I turn and the light penetrates me...

She is gone, she has left me...
I still hurt if I think
but I am filled with the love of my Lord.

"Night Poem- The Father's Death" and "Death"

This is the first poem I ever wrote. I was a junior in high school and shortly before the poem was assigned, a friend died in a car accident. I wrote the first poem in memory of him. This was actually an assignment related to a book, and I don't remember which one. The second poem was written because I thought I had lost the original and tried to rewrite it. I will label each one.

Night Poem- The Father's Death

Why, oh why,
did you have to die?
I miss you and I cry
when I think about how you died.

Tell me, tell me did
death hurt? I am just a kid
and I miss you and I hid
when I think about how you died.

Please, please let me know
how you know when the snow
comes and you die? My nose I blow
when I think about how you died.

Why, oh why,
did you have to die?
I miss you and I cry
when I think about how you died.

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Death

O my friend,
o my lost friend,
Why o why did you have to die

Why do you leave us
in pain, in sorrow,
why did the sunlight get ripped from our lives?

Why must you go?
Why can't you stay?
Why tell me why?

You were the best
kind, gentle, always there
You were light
You were joy

O my friend,
o my lost friend
why o why did you have to die?

Welcome to my new blog!

I have written several poems over the years.  While they are all on my Facebook page, I wanted to put them here as well.  With each poem, I will put a brief explanation of what the poem is about and why it was written.

Most of my poems are written because of a particular experience (generally a bad one), so they are not the most uplifting poems.  They are, however, an expression of how I was feeling when it was written.  Sometimes it is still the way I feel, but normally not.

Enjoy and feel free to tell me your thoughts!