Darkness

Darkness

Layers and layers of darkness

Layers and layers of suffocating darkness

Darkness

I use the darkness to hide

I use the darkness to hide who I am

Darkness

Simultaneously friend and enemy

Simultaneously best friend and relentless enemy

Darkness

It allows me to hide

It allows me to hide my truths

Darkness

Devours and snuffs out light

Devours and snuffs out the light of possibility

Possibility that feeds dreams

Possibility that fuels desires

Possibility of what could be

Possibility that allows for full flowering

Possibility that allows for sight

Possibility that helps us breathe

Possibility that allows us to see who we could be

Darkness that snuffs out that sight

Possibility that lifts us up and allows us to breathe

Darkness that drags us down and sucks up air

Not all darkness is internal

Some is imposed by others knowingly or not

Some is laid by things said wrong

Respect and love can lift the darkness

Lift it and shatter it

But their lack imposes it all the more

And can make it harder to break

See part and see all

Don't let the darkness hide you

Don't let the darkness win

So they say

But saying is easier than doing

Doing when crippled by doubt and worry

Let your light shine

Shine for all to see

But what if they refuse to see?

See who I truly am

See what I want to show

See that which is within

So I choose darkness

Darkness to hide and protect

But that same darkness is killing me

Ugly Beauty

Sparkling, shiny, shimmering, splendid

A beautiful surface hiding rotting meat

What sounds beautiful turns out to be clamorous noise

What looks pretty turns out to be ugly beneath the surface

Life affirming? Only if a vampire gives life

Uplifting? Only if drowning lifts you up

When up is down and down is up

And right is wrong and wrong is right

You will see the truth

The truth that was hidden in plain sight

The truth you refused to see even though you could

The truth that corruption and decay have taken root.

Look at the bodies left strewn in its wake

Look at the lives left broken and in ruins

Look at the destruction it has wrought

It might have been truly beautiful once

It might have been beautiful through and through

But now it's beauty hides ugliness

Now is the true face revealed

It leaves behind festering wounds

It leaves behind sucking chest wounds

From where it has ripped out hearts and destroyed them

Healing, life, love - of these it knows nothing

All it knows is lying, manipulation, deceit, and control

It may turn out some beauty, but it's beauty is barely skin deep

Just as beauty can hide ugliness

Ugliness can hide beauty

If only you have the patience

And sight to see what is true

Don't let dress and frippery fool you

Look within to see what is truly there

Don't let the pretty bauble blind you

Use your sight to truly look and see

For what do you want?

True beauty?

Or the facade of true beauty?

That is the question.

Impact

One word

One word can make a difference

It can save a life or end it

It can make a day or destroy it

One word

What a difference a word makes

It can tear down or build up

It can tear down a spirit or uplift it

One word

You never know what it can do

You never know who needs to hear it

You never know how it can help

One word

Your one word made my day

Your one word made me smile

Your one word lifted me up

One word

You will never know how that one word made me smile

You will never know how much I needed to hear those 8 letters

You will never know how that word made me feel

One word

What word had that power

What word had that magic

It was a simple word

One word

Handsome

Identity

Who am I?

I do not know

Round and round and round I go

And where I stop, I do not know

Once upon a time I thought I knew

But as time moves on, I am not sure I do

I thought I was this, I thought I was that

But now I realize, I am not sure where I'm at

Questions I have

Things I am wondering

I have no clue

Into what I am blundering

I know I am me

I know I am free

I don't know what to think of thee

I am not clear

To where I am heading

Nor do I know

What idea I am wedding

I have many questions

To ask of myself

Ideas that I once had

I now put on a shelf

I once thought that I knew

Who and what I am

But now I see

That it all was a sham

Who am I?

I do not know

Round and round and round I go

And where I stop, I do not know

"To and Fro"

Buffeted to
And buffeted fro
Hit from the front
And hit from behind

Friend or enemy
I know not which
It is hard to tell
Which is which

Accusations flying
Mouths are dropping
Knives are out
From the unlikeliest of places

Solid allies are now questionable
What you thought you knew
You don't know anymore

Places of safety are no more
Or so you have to wonder
After what has happened

Old wounds long since thought gone
Coming roaring back to the surface
Brought back by those who are supposed
To be friends

Do you walk away?
Do you run away?
Or do you stay and
Try to fix what has been broken?

That is the question.
The answer, I do not know.

"A Prayer Poem"

I was trying to find a prayer to lead off a meeting at my church and had the opening stanza here stuck in my head.  I couldn't see a prayer with that in it, so I wrote down the following prayer poem.  A little basic, but I still love it:

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God of our hope
God of our fears
God of our joy
God of our tears

God of today
Whether we are far or near
God of tomorrow
You are ever near

God of love
Who holds us tight
God of hope
Who gives us light

God of plenty
Who gives us to eat
God of light
A lamp to our feet.

God up in heaven
Looking down in love
God here on earth
Bringing your peace from above

God of all time
Who holds us in your hand
God of compassion
Before you we stand

God of all things
Protect us with might
Give us your wisdom
Now and on all nights.

Amen.

"Voice for the voiceless"

Je dois être une voix pour ceux qui sont impuissants à parlent d’eux-mêmes

I am the CEO in the high office
I am the jobless person in the alley
I am the professor in my ivory tower
I am the student struggling to understand
I am the millionaire living in my lavish mansion
I am the homeless person living on the streets

Debemos ser una voz para aquellos que son incapaces de hablar por sí mismos

I am Trayvon Martin
I am George Zimmerman
I am Matthew Shepherd
I am Sandra Bland
I am Adolf Hitler
I am Maya Young
I am Noony Norwood
I am Philando Castile

I am sinner and saint
I am woman and man
I am innocent and guilty

Kuralkaḷ illāta makkaḷukku, nāṉ avarkaḷiṉ kurallaka iruppēṉ

We are all star stuff
We are made of the same stuff that makes the stars
We must love all
We must be all
We are one
And one we are

Different, yet the same
Unique, yet identical
Individuals, yet a group
E pluribus unum

Dzayn peetee leenehm anhayt neh reem

We are Trayvon Martin
We are George Zimmerman
We are Matthew Shepherd
We are Sandra Bland
We are Adolf Hitler
We are Maya Young
We are Noony Norwood
We are Philando Castile

We are sinner and saint
We are woman and man
We are innocent and guilty

Na-noon bung-uh-ri wah go-doke-han ja-ee song-sa-rur wee-ha-yuh eeb-ur yur-ay-oh

We are the CEO in the high office
We are the jobless person in the alley
We are the professor in an ivory tower
We are the student struggling to understand
We are the millionaire living in a lavish mansion
We are the homeless person living on the streets

I must be a voice for the voiceless

We must be a voice for the voiceless
For just like us, the voiceless
Are fearfully and wonderfully made
Just like us, the voiceless
Are made of star stuff
The stuff of the stars

Je dois être une voix pour ceux qui sont impuissants à parlent d’eux-mêmes
Debemos ser una voz para aquellos que son incapaces de hablar por sí mismos
Kuralkaḷ illāta makkaḷukku, nāṉ avarkaḷiṉ kurallaka iruppēṉ
Dzayn peetee leenehm anhayt neh reem
Na-noon bung-uh-ri wah go-doke-han ja-ee song-sa-rur wee-ha-yuh eeb-ur yur-ay-oh
I must be a voice for the voiceless
We must be the voice for the voiceless

"Confustication"

Is it wrong to feel conflicted over good news?
Is it wrong to feel sad when someone else is happy?
Is it wrong to feel despair on some's happy day?

Sometimes it feels like the world is moving along
but I am standing still
Lost in a perpetual rut
Alone with no one to be there for me

I want to feel happy
I want to be overjoyed
I want to be ecstatic about your news
And for a bit I do
But then. I don't

Sometimes it feels like I am perpetually alone
Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to live for
Sometimes it feels like I get to watch everyone
around me be happy while I have nothing

It is strange to be sad when you are happy
It is strange to be depressed when you are well
It is strange to be conflicted when I should be happy for you

Joy seems like something so distant
Happiness seems to be like butter in a hot pan
Companionship seems like something for others
but not for me

But I must soldier on and present the face of happiness to the world
I cannot let my true feelings ruin your wonderful day
I must hide my conflict behind a mask so that you don't see it
I must watch everyone move along but me

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
I wish I didn't feel this way
But I do

So I wish you well
But I wish I felt well too

"Despair for the Future"

It begins with hope and change
It begins with history
It begins with optimism

But as it moves hope and change
Becomes hatred and stasis
What should be history
Becomes a repeat of the past
What is optimism
Becomes fear of the future

But surely that which is good and decent
Will triumph over the worst impulses of us all
Sadly, trust is misplaced
And we slip into the deep cesspool of negativity

Progress halted by fear of change
A religion based on love is used to inspire hate
People who should be caring for others
Reject those not like them

Privilege and power dominate over hope
Fear of change drives people to vote against themselves
Have we slipped so far that we choose hatred over hope?
Have we slipped so far that we reject the basis of our ideals?

They tell us not to be angry
They tell us that is will be ok
They tell us that we must accept what happened

They refuse to see our anger
They refuse to see our fear
They refuse to see who we are

How can we be one with people who deny who we are?
How can we be one with people who deny our value?
How can we be one with people who clearly hate us?

Yet we must struggle on and not give up
We must persevere in the struggle
We must not give into despair

Knock us down and we will rise stronger
Try and keep us down and we will rise twice as strong
Try and deny us and we will come roaring back

Someday we will
But for now we must come to grips with what has happened
For now we must grapple with the depth of hatred

I look to the future and I weep
I look to the future and also see hope
That is the strange dichotomy of what has happened
It is like a two-edged sword
Which we must swing to cut the oppressors

"Lament for Life"

They fall like rain
Like rain they fall
Bullets, tears, bodies, lives
Spent and used, wasted and discarded

Nice, Orlando, Istanbul, Bangladesh just to name a few
Police killing blacks, police being killed, people killing others
Anger abounding, the cup of anger runneth over

We scream at each other and point the finger at groups
We accuse each other of devaluing life and other people
We use differences to excuse anger, violence, and death

Yet, we are all the same
We are all made of the same stuff
We are made of the stuff that makes the stars
We are made of the stuff that makes the Earth
We are made of the stuff that makes each other

What hurts one, hurts all
What kills one, kills all
Cut us and do we not bleed?
Poison us and do we not die?
Wrong us and do we not seek revenge?

We are being poisoned by a diet of anger and hate
We are being inspired by purveyors of hatred
We look at that which is different and fear it
We see that which is not like us and devalue it

Are we different?
Of course.
Are we all the same?
No, and thank goodness.

It is in our diversity and differences
That our true values shows and shines

We need to lance the boil of hatred
We need to reject the chalice of indifference
We need to show that we love and care for each other

No matter who or what you are
You are loved
You are valued
You are needed
Without you the world is incomplete
Without you the world is missing a piece

Stop the anger, stop the hate
Show that you love each other
Show that each and every life is valuable
Show that everyone is needed

I do not know how many more tears I can cry
I do not know how many more times I can express condolences
I do not know how many more horrible events I can hear about and remain sane

With every incident, it feels like a piece of me dies
With every life that is snuffed out, I am made a little more hollow
With every person that is forced from this earth, I am lessened

With every incident, it feels like a piece of us dies
With every life that is snuffed out, we are made a little more hollow
With every person that is forced from this earth, we are lessened

Every time someone is killed, we are all lessened
Every time someone is taken from us, we suffer that loss
Every time someone destroys a life, we all lose a bit of our humanity.

All I need to know is, when will it all end?

"Solitude"

In a singularity I sit
Nothing comes in or escapes
Yet no one seems to notice
Yet no one seems to care

Screaming unheard
Frantically seeking someone
Arms waving, looking and seeking
Just wanted to be a part of the world

All around people just ignore me
People look but do not see
me in my singularity

Wanting to be a part
Wanting to participate
And when I do
It is all but ignored

Do things matter?
Does anything make a difference?
Am I merely an invisible thing to be used?

Sitting in a box waiting for my chance
My pleas all dismissed as unimportant
Sometimes I must wonder if it is worth it

Am I nothing?
Am I a thing to be ignored?
Or am I a person?

A person who wants to be a part of life
A person who wants to participate
A person who tries to participate
A person sitting in a singularity from which
Nothing can escape

"Words"

This is the first time I set out to deliberately write a poem as opposed to one being inspired by a particular event.  It was an interesting experience.

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Like a thousand knives, they cut

Like a noose, they tighten around your neck
Like a rock, they break you
A picture may be worth a thousand words
But a word can damage more

Carelessly we let words flit from our lips

Hurtful phrases coming tripping from ignorance
Thoughtlessly we say what is on our mind
Heedless of the damage and pain we cause

Have you ever heard the phrase

“That’s so gay!” or “That’s so girly!”
As if being gay or girly is something to be ashamed of

We hide behind anonymity to spew bile

We hurl invective and claim freedom of speech
We insult those we disagree with in the name of religion
And then act shocked when people get mad

We judge people and label them pejoratively

We look at them and put them in little boxes
Then if they don’t fit in with what we want,
We damn them to the outer levels of perdition

Yet words can help, so give a kind word to those who need it

Thus and so is the power of words
To hurt or heal, to harm or help
Which one they do is up to you.
Will you help or harm?  Will you heal or hurt?

Don’t tell me, show me. 

For while words are powerful,

They can be used to lie too.

The choice is yours.

"Freedom"

This was written the one time I tried pot.  It was a very interesting feeling that I tried to capture in this poem.

-------------------

So here's how it begins

a question, something to wonder about
so you are around friends
who allow you to explore

At first it seems like nothing

nothing is happening
and then come numbness
and a sense that you have no control

Fear sets in and you wonder if

what is happening is supposed to happen
you flip and you turn and you wonder
if this is the way it is

And then you just sit there

no longer in control
but your mind wanders and
wonders about various things

Then you are freed and able

to have the control you want
but wait, here comes the next wave

Without thinking, you talk

without thinking, you speak
without thinking, you go on and on

Flying free

flying high
no limits
no boundaries
nothing holding you down

Then here it comes again

freedom comes for you
and holds you in its grip

Up you go, like a kite in the breeze

up you go, wondering if you'll come down
up you go, never wanting to come back down again

Freedom is a wondrous thing

for one who craves control
Freedom is a mysterious thing
for one who fears change

And so you want more

while you wonder if you should
And so you want to experience
the freedom that you were given
by a friend.

"Regrets"

I had a friend visit who I have had a crush on for years.  I had an opportunity to make a move but didn’t.  This poem “Regrets” is about that experience.

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Like a wave, they wash over me
Like a gale, they blow me around
They pass through me and under me
Over me and around me
They surround me and penetrate me

Regrets of things never done
Moments never seized
Missed opportunities gone forever

Why must I freeze in place
When I want to stroke your face
Why must my mind not let my heart
do what it wants from the start
Why can’t I just do what I want
Instead I am caught looking and wanting

Regrets of things never done
Moments never seized
Missed opportunities gone forever

Courted or courting
Chaser or chasee
I am not sure which one I am going to be
For I feel paralyzed
Not by a toxin, but by fear
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the lack of control
Fear of ruining that which is great

Should I regret those things I haven't done?
Should I regret those moments never seized?
Should I regret those missed opportunities that are gone forever?

I do, and I hope to know how to never miss them again

"Looking Towards Tomorrow While Living for Today"

I just sort of felt inspired to write this selection entitled "Looking Towards Tomorrow While Living for Today" in August of 2008. I sort of had a tune in mind while this was being written, so I think it's supposed to be a song, but it sort of works as a poem too.

-------------------

All my life I’ve heard stories about living
From people who think so differently
Now I’m experiencing that living
And I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be

I look towards the future
And wonder what I’ll see
And I look at the past
To see what is behind me

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Doesn’t make as much sense to me
As it was supposed to anyway
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
It really makes me wonder
What’ll happen to me every day

So I listen to those stories about living
And wonder how I’ll feel
When it’s my chance to be living
These stories out for real

As I look towards the future
I wonder what I’ll see
And when I look into the past
I shrink in horror from what I’ll see

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Doesn’t make as much sense to me
As it was supposed to anyway
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
It really makes me wonder
What’ll happen to me every day

What fills me with hope for the future
Is the wonderment I feel
When I look at all around me
And see that it’s all for real

As I look towards the future
I marvel at what I see
And then I look into the past
To see where I’ve been

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Is making more sense to me
Each and every day
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Makes me feel awe and wonder
At what’s around me anyway

So I gather my thoughts around me
And look at them carefully
Then put on my shoes and start walking
To where I’m supposed to be

Then I look into the future
And not into the past
To keep myself walking
On the straight and narrow path

Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Is making more sense to me
Each and every day
Looking towards tomorrow while living for today
Makes me feel awe and wonder
At what’s around me anyway

"Masks"

This poem was written in 2004 because I felt that people were expecting me to be one thing and I really felt like another person.

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Here I sit
wanting, alone
All around me the
world spins
All around me the
people are laughing

On the outside
I am laughing
On the inside
I am crying

Who wants to be alone?
Who wants to have no one?

I am wearing a mask
The mask that hides
my true self.
From whom am I hiding?
I know not.

Myself or maybe you
I must hide or
face the interminable
interrogations of those around me

My life is like a
shadow dance
sound and fury
signifying nothing

Or is it?
What is my purpose?
Do I have a purpose?
Why am I here?

These questions and
more I ask myself.
I know nothing
and everything.

What is life for?
Must I hide
behind these
masks my whole life?

Here I sit
wanting, alone
All around me the
world spins
All around me the
people are laughing

4 Poems on Friendship (all untitled)

These poems were all written in my junior year of college or later when I had problems with friends. I went through several rough years after college for a lot of reasons, and these were my way of dealing.

-------------------

What is a friend?
Is it someone who cares?
Is it someone who understands?
Is it someone who holds you dear?

What is a friend?
A friend is someone who cares
someone who understands in all
never judging, always accepting
not agreeing, but accepting

What is a friend?
A friend is someone who holds you dear
someone who understands and accepts
you for who you are
not the perfect you

What is a friend?
A friend is the person who is willing
to listen, speak, and be there
The person who is willing to always
accept you in all

What is a friend?
Acceptance
Caring
Holding you dear
Is this really too much to ask?

-------------------

Pain, anger,
hurt, all
like a dagger
in my side

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

Drowning in a sea
of anger, sloughing
off the old, bringing
in the new

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

Lies and hurt
from friends
long since gone
What to do?

Can I? Must I?
Should I? Will I?

What to do?
What to say?

And I fall, fall
into the sea of anger

-------------------

(Note: This one was partially inspired by Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morrisette)

Twisting, swirling,
running, leaping,
sitting, standing.

What's going on?
What's wrong?
Who knows?
Who can say?

I am sitting, yet I am standing
I am running, yet I stay in place
I am confused, yet I am clear headed

I am here, but I am not
I am all around, but I am nowhere
I am drowning, yet I am dry

I need help, yet I am fine
I need you, but I need no one
I need me, but I can't help myself.

What to do...what to say
I do not know...

-------------------

Here I am, confused, hurt
here I am, alone, so alone
I need help, but to who can I turn

I am here, loving, loved,
I am here, with you,
I have help, to you do I turn

I am here, I am not,
I am confused, I am not
I am hurt, I am well

Why, oh why are I feeling this way?
Why is life so confusing,
why is life so cruel,
why is life so full of sense,
why is life so kind

In a world of contradictions,
I know I can turn to you,
my friend, my Saviour,
I know I can, and everything makes sense.

"Desire"

This poem was written in response to a massive crush I had when I went back to college to work on my certification. It is somewhat on the erotic side. Nothing major, but just there.

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Your blue eyes
Your perfect body
Your soft, sweet voice

I look at you and desire
I see you and feel a thrill
I want you to want me

I want to feel your arms around me
I want to feel your lips on mine
I want to be wrapped in your warm embrace

To spend the night with you is my desire
To be embraced by you is my fantasy
To feel wanted by you is my need

But can it be?
Do you want me?
Do you want to feel
my arms around you
or my lips on yours
or my warm embrace

Wanting, needing
desiring is what
I ask for

Others want you
Others see your beauty
Others see your perfection

So here I sit
wanting, needing
desiring, unfulfilled

So it must be
So it shall be
And thus it is

"Pain" and "Falling Out"

At the end of my sophomore year in college, I had a falling out with a group of friends because of some things that happened. The first poem here is written about a friend who I saw being hurt. The second was written in response to the falling out.

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Torn, hurt, gasping for life
It hurts so to see you so
Oh my friend, words cannot express
the hurt, like a knife, as if I am
you and you are me

I hate to see you hurt,
I hate to see you wounded,
But my friend, let me help
if I can

But no, it is not my help you need,
it is the help of one greater than me
My friend, turn to Him in time of need,
Turn to Him for sweet melody

Now I see you helped and able,
Or was it my imagination, a fable
Words cannot express my joy at seeing you whole,
No, but try I must

-------------------

Here I stand
alone, stripped,
naked, mocked,
reviled, why?

Here I stand
left alone,
defenseless
against the
attacks of
others

Here I stand
friendships
ruined and no
more, why?

Here I stand
at the crossroads
right or left
up or down
I look around
and see no one

What to do,
What to say,
Things need
to be said,
but how,
but why

Oh my friends
I never meant
to cause pain
never meant
to cause anger
but I have but
it was meant
for good turned
bad and evil
help, help, help

"Ode to Becky"

This is the only poem where I will mention a particular person. At the end of my freshman year, I was taking an intersession course (class after the school year was over). I bumped into her on graduation day. The words were not hers, they were my interpretation based on what she said.

On a somewhat amusing note, the one year I taught literature, I had my students read this poem. The sixth grade interpreted this as an analogy for death. I get it, but was amused that they took one straightforward poem and complicated it.

-------------------

They leave as quickly as they came
this is their big day, their day
many are happy, but one is sad...

Why o why are you looking
so sad and downcast?
Why o why are you looking
like someone has died?

I am leaving, I have to go
I don't want to go, I want to stay
But, I must abandon you, I must run away
And for this I am sad

Oh oh, you will never abandon us,
you will always be here with us
and we with you, you will never leave

Always and forever more will you
be with us in heart and mind
for as long as we live we shall never part

They leave as quickly as they came,
this is their big day, their day
all leave happy...